What is Ntsako saying?

Doing what is best for you is something which sounds easy enough in theory however in reality it is something we rarely do. We often find ourselves in positions in which we feel entrapped wether it is in friendships or relationships. The constant need to sacrifice your own peace and happiness in order to please others is a constant toxic trait which I have found myself practicing for as long as I can remember. You must love yourself in order to truly understand how you want and deserved to be loved.

In today’s society it is harder than ever to remove yourself from scenes which may be detrimental to your well being due to the over arching power of social media. We are more involved in each others lives than ever but ultimately we are statistically the loneliest we’ve ever been. Suicide rates are at an all time high amongst youth and to a large extent this is due to the lack of peace in our lives. I am someone who has recently realized that peace is something that I have always lacked in life and the lack of peace has negatively impacted my friendships, relationships and my life holistically. Realizing that I am the main reason for my discomfort was a life changing discovery. I no longer made excuses for my wrongs and in realizing and acknowledging my shortcomings I made a promise to myself to always aggressively pursue peace in my life at all costs. In order to find peace I had to accept and be accountable to my mistakes not only through my words but my actions in order to not only do but be better.

What does the pursuit of peace entail? Pursuing peace has meant that I have had to take a long hard look at my life and make the choice to completely remodel and revamp every aspect of my life. This has meant removing myself from certain spaces in order to ensure a fruitful space for growth in my life. My biggest battle has been attempting to juggle choosing what is best for me and in the same breath not making people around me feel as though I have stopped caring about them or I no longer appreciate them, purely because I have made the decision that perhaps that space was weighing heavy on my spirit. It is okay for people you love to not want to be apart of your journey anymore. What we don’t do enough of as the youth is understand that everyone serves a purpose in your life and some people no matter how much you love them were destined to teach you a particular lesson and leave and that is totally okay. The culture of social media to make it “taboo” to unfollow or remove yourself from people who do not positively affect your peace has been incredibly detrimental to my spirit and has given me an unrealistic sense of entitlement from relationships and friendships. It is incredibly important to realize that as much as you are the centre of your own universe that premise doesn’t apply to everyone else’s life. Everyone is going through tough times and everyone is trying to heal and grow and if it means that their growth entails that we will no longer hangout as much, it is perfectly fine because in order to grow one must choose themselves and their peace at all costs.

What I have realized is that in life you will never be able to please everyone. If you live your life trying to please others you will lead an incredibly miserable and lost life. I am on a journey of finding myself and the biggest realization I have have made is that in the process of finding yourself you will encounter many obstacles which will shake you and question everything you stand for to its very core. There is a quote which has heavily impacted the way I appreciate and embrace bad days by Bryon Wesley and it reads, “I reside in the duality of existence where dark/light effortlessly fuse, creating perfect harmony. Some days better than others, but my premise isn’t to compare but to appreciate the yin and yang that reside in each moment”. Growth is scary and uncomfortable but it is incredibly necessary. In the acceptance of my flaws I have made a promise to myself that I will no longer sacrifice my own peace as it will ultimately negatively impact those that I love. Be kind, be thoughtful and be forgiving. We are all learning, evolving and constantly trying to do better. Allowing those around you the freedom and kindness to do what is best for them without judgement is incredibly important and I believe it will ultimately lead to a kinder, happier and more peaceful environment for us all. 

Growing up a man in South Africa is touching a girls bum merely because she danced in close proximity to you. Growing up a man in South Africa is harassing a girl for a kiss because she said she loves you. Growing up a man in South Africa is seeing your boy pursue and get rejected by the same girl the whole night and laughing. Growing up a man in South Africa is touching girls inappropriately purely because you got the vibe that she was feeling you. I have grown up a man in South Africa. I am guilty of being complicit in the rape culture that continues to comfortably protect harmful behavior like mine. I am not speaking from a voice of someone looking at the problem. I am the problem.

I know how powerful a man can be over a woman in South Africa. This realization has left me ashamed, embarrassed and remorseful. One thing I will not allow is for it to silence me. I have absolutely no regard for my reputation or my loss of friends because my complicity in the crimes against woman in this country has impacted my character to its core. Realizing that I live in a society in which I can get away with my past transgressions has inspired me to aggressively use the power I have to speak out against the actions of men in South Africa like myself. It is time we stop looking at Gender Based Violence as exclusively extreme cases of gross violence against women and start looking at the interactions between men and women in absolutely every aspect of our lives.

It is incredibly easy to free your conscious if you look at GBV as purely the rape and murder of women however if you reflect on GBV as a culture which supports the exertion of dominance of men over women in absolutely every aspect of society your eyes begin to open up to your complicity in this culture. People make mistakes however the same way your victim must live with your “mistakes” for the rest of her life you must carry your transgressions for the rest of your life. Free yourself from entitlement. The entitlement that society raised you with is what made you feel as though it was okay to violate another person for your own pleasure. The entitlement we have as South African men is something we must begin to reflect and introspect on and find the root of where it stems from. South African man, you are not entitled to anything.

You are not entitled to forgiveness. People make mistakes and people change however you cannot reverse your past transgressions and thus cannot reverse how you are viewed by society. You must grow as a person and you must acknowledge and be held accountable for your past however if it is forgiveness you seek you have not learnt from your mistakes but you are merely adapting to your new reality and are trying to assimilate back into “normal” society. The reality is that you should not want to return to “normal” society. “Normal” society is where women continue to be raped everyday in South Africa. “Normal” society is where women continue to be murdered everyday in South Africa. “Normal” society is where women continue to be harassed for merely existing. I am not a good man. I will however not let my past continue to silence me and allow me to be complicit in the violence against women. Good men should not exist because these are standards all men should be held to. The glorification of good men stems from the normalization of bad men. I do not speak from a lens looking at the problem. I speak from a position of being a part of the problem. Let’s stop solely looking at GBV as a societal problem because that is a scapegoat as a man to not critically assess your character.

Criticize yourself. Introspect. Reflect on your past and if you are not guilty continue fighting for equality. If you are guilty fight even harder because you recognize how much power this culture has afforded you and at all costs this power must be dismantled. Judith Lewis Herman is quoted stating, “In order to escape accountability for his crimes, the perpetrator does everything in his power to promote forgetting. If secrecy fails, the perpetrator attacks the credibility of his victim. If he cannot silence her absolutely, he tries to make sure no one listens”. FUCK my reputation, FUCK losing friends and FUCK my comfortability. This issue is bigger than me and one thing I will never do is be silent.

It is very easy to speak out against something if you truly feel as though you have not been complicit in perpetuating that injustice. The reality is that guilt is a human emotion which continues to silence many people who feel as though their voice is not worthy because of their past. Do not mistake this to be an effort to coddle racists, homophobes, abusers etc. In fact this is the opposite. The only way we can move forward is by working towards changing our behavior but you cannot change your future if you don’t deal with your past.

This is not an easy task and it is much easier said than done. It is very easy to acknowledge when white people are not active in fighting the very injustice they claim to detest but when it comes to looking at yourself and your actions as a man it is much more difficult. The reality is that more often than not your silence stems from guilt. This guilt is warranted because you cannot feel guilty about something you haven’t perpetrated. The day you look at yourself in the mirror and you truly realize how fucked up you are is the day you will begin to actively work on bettering yourself.

I will be the first person to attest to being a part of the problem. I have not killed anyone but my complicity to the crimes against women is the reason women continue to be murdered in this country. I have struggled to let my voice be heard because I felt unworthy to call myself an ally to a cause which I played a role in negatively affecting in my past. Acknowledging that you are honestly and truly fucked up is incredibly difficult because it questions everything you stand for to it’s core. We all have to reflect on our past and if you are not guilty of wrong doings I congratulate you and I urge you to continue working towards teaching people to do better. If you are guilty of being fucked up I urge you to make a promise to yourself to never allow anyone else to feel the hurt that you have caused them.

One thing is for sure silence as a man is no longer an option. If you continue to let guilt silence you the reality is that you have not taken accountability for your actions and you are okay in living in a society where feeling safe is a privilege reserved only for men. No one is perfect and no one can change the past but the future is in your hands. The same way you tell white people to educate themselves on racial issues educate yourself on issues which concern gender based violence. The reality is that if you honestly acknowledge your past transgressions guilt should not silence you. More than anyone else you should know how dangerous and oppressive you can be as a man and you should take it upon yourself to change this not to clear your name or make yourself feel better but because you truly understand the hurt and pain you can cause as a man.

It is very easy to view these issues as a societal issue because there is a system you can blame but once you begin to question yourself personally you begin to view it differently and this is what is holding us back as men. “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better” this is a quote by Maya Angelou which specifically resonated with me. I cannot change the past, all I can do is work towards changing the future. Do not be a coward. Do not shy away from facing this because the reality is that people are dying and silence is creating the perfect environment for these things to continue. Do not find yourself on the wrong side of history. Do not just say do better. Actually do better.

“Spoilt, disrespectful, impolite” these were all words used by people to describe my little sister from a very young age. What many of these people did not even care to know is that my little sister like thousands of people around the world is on the autism spectrum. As defined by the Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research, Autism spectrum disorder is a condition related to brain development that impacts how a person perceives and socializes with others, causing problems in social interaction and communication. As April marks World Autism Month I believed that it was incredibly important for me to engage in a topic which I am extremely passionate about and one which I feel is largely over looked especially in the black community.

This blog post is not solely discussing Autism in the black community but rather mental health awareness in the black community. Racism, poverty and institutionalized violence are all issues which plague our community and throughout history massive strides have been made to combat these issues. Unfortunately the same energy has rarely been kept when it has come to addressing mental health in the black community. Incredibly high suicide rates amongst black people especially vulnerable sections of our community such as teens who have not passed their matric studies or underperforming university students are incredibly alarming however continuously overlooked by general society. The perpetuation of hyper masculine ideals such as “men don’t cry” amongst black men have continued to distort what it means to truly be a man amongst a large group of children who more often than not have not had a present male role model in their lives. Maya Angelou is quoted saying, “Stand up straight and realize who you are, that you tower over your circumstances”. Unfortunately many young black people have been raised in environments which disregard the importance of mental health and have thus been unfairly placed in a position where their circumstances seem insurmountable.

Black child you are worthy of mental and emotional support. In a world where more than ever many people lack the grounding of knowing who they are and where they belong due to many external factors such as social media it is incredibly vital to be mindful of the way you address and treat other people. In a world where more than ever we are bombarded with images and videos of people who portray extremely lavish, opulent and “happy” personas we have to understand that the social media portrayal or ones life is only the side which they are willing to share with the world. Everyone goes through trials and tribulations and as lonely as you may feel in your darkest hours you are never alone. Nido Qubein once said, “Your present circumstances don’t determine where you can go, they merely determine where you start”. I urge you all to be nicer to people as you never know what someone is going through and to anyone who may feel misunderstood and alone I want you to know that this is not the end. Brighter days are coming. 

“You are special, you are valued, you have a voice” for many people these are familiar statements which were drilled into us from an early age be it by our parents, teachers or friends. From an early age I was taught to always stand up for what I believe in and in doing so voice my opinion. Although I am extremely grateful for this lesson as it has shaped me into the man I am today I do recognize the naivety which this notion comes with. I am approaching the end of my first year in University and I can truly say that one of the most vital lessons I’ve learnt this year besides not booking a tutorial on a Friday is that sometimes as harsh as it sounds your opinion is not needed.

Often we find ourselves engaged in discussions where our need for our opinion to be heard over shadows the whole point of any dialogue and that is growth. How many times do you find yourself engaged in a debate where instead of listening to what the opposing person is saying to you, you are already formulating a rebuttal to their point? This intrinsic need to be the one who wins the argument is a major contributor to the growing divide amongst people with differing beliefs.

Understanding your privilege and how much it has influenced your opinion is extremely important when it comes to having healthy and effective debates. When discussing rape culture as a man you have to understand that although your opinion is valid it’s reach is limited as you’ll never know what it feels like to be a woman in todays society. This same notion applies to discussions about race, sexuality and class. If you refuse to acknowledge that your opinion is coming from a position of privilege you’ll never truly understand the struggles of those without said privilege.

With that being said this is still something I struggle with everyday as it is easy to feel as though your opinion is being invalidated. A valuable lesson which someone taught me to help me deal with this feeling of invalidation was that whenever you feel like you have been made to feel small and you’re coming from a position of privilege think of that woman in the corporate world fighting for equal treatment in a predominately male space or that Transgender woman fighting to feel safe in a predominately transphobic society. Some peoples voices due to their experiences, trials and tribulations carry more weight than others when it comes to certain topics.“When you talk, you are only repeating what you already know. But if you listen, you may learn something new.” – Dalai Lama. Everyone’s opinion is valid and you must never let anyone take that away from you however opinions are not mutually exclusive from influencing factors such as your upbringing, sexuality, religion, class or race and once you truly come to understand that and open up your mind to the opinions of others only then will you begin to grow.

In a country with an extremely racially segregated past the impact of Apartheid can not only be seen in relations between black and white but between black and black. We have been engineered by society to believe that “white is right”. This means that white people have been afforded opportunities, social privileges and economic stability which black people have been denied. This has however filtered down to the communities of people of color in which instead of the saying being “white is right” the motto has been slightly altered to “light is right”.

Having light skin in today’s society has become exceedingly desirable. We live in Africa and instead of our media celebrating our diversity we have been bombarded by images of light skin models both male and female with beautiful light brown eyes, perfectly laid edges or perfectly groomed beards. This has thus fueled the narrative that light skin equates to beauty. Throughout my life I have witnessed the negative effects of colorism. I have witnessed and been involved in the mocking of my fellow school mates for having dark skin. The older I got however I began to realize that what the boys saw as “harmless” boys banter had been a continuation of societies constant discrimination against dark skin people.

What we have to realize is that racism and colorism are not mutually exclusive events. Racism has created a social hierarchy which puts white skin at the very top therefore the lighter your skin tone the closer you are to the top. The lighter your skin the more easily acceptable you are by society. This need for acceptance is what is extremely frightening for me as although I am very proud of my generations massive strides against ending racism, homophobia and sexism cyber bullying however continues to be a phenomenon which plagues our society. Young people are more insecure than ever and this has lead to us being vulnerable to a society which continues to tell us how we are not beautiful unless we posses a specific complexion or set of facial features in order to be deemed desirable.

South Africa has unfortunately seen an alarming increase in skin bleaching. The prospect of being lighter leading to better jobs, increased “Eurocentric” beauty and attracting romantic attention has lead to many young South Africans risking their health by purchasing and using skin bleaching lotions and pills which have long lasting negative effects on the skin and organs. With worldwide celebrities such as Blac Chyna and many more endorsing dangerous skin bleaching products to a vulnerable African youth it is our responsibility to rediscover an appreciation for our melanin. A skin which was worn by millions who came before us who struggled through many hardships so that we can live a free and dignified life today.

I urge each and everyone of you black, white, light or dark to make a promise to be the change that you want to see in our society. Yet again Africa is under attack however this time it is not by an enemy we can identify but by ourselves. The only way we can defeat this enemy is by loving ourselves whole heartedly, educating ourselves on our skin, understanding the power which lies in our melanin and above all being unapologetic about this love. If we all promise to do these things we will begin to understand that “BLACK IS BEAUTIFUL” and eventually society will have no choice but to accept this.

Controversial, loud, overboard and unnecessary are a few words I became accustomed to being referred to during my high school career. I went to a predominantly white high school and by predominately I mean I don’t think my grade even comprised of 30% of people of color. Don’t get me wrong I wasn’t always public enemy number 1. In my early years I naturally felt pressured to conform. This meant having to lie that black girls aren’t as attractive as white girls, that I spoke my mother tongue but I wasn’t too fluent and that techno music was quite cool. This allowed me to be able to sit at any table in the dining hall, sit next to anyone in class and walk into any room without feeling awkward to say hi to anyone.

As puberty began to settle in and my confidence grew I began to read more, listen to my parents stories more and become more self confident. Everything changed from then on. I began questioning the fact that it wasn’t okay for white girls not to get with black guys because they weren’t attracted to a whole race. I began questioning the fact that none of my white friends had kissed a black girl and the one guy that did got crucified by our whole grade including us brainwashed black boys. I began to question why I had to over finesse my English accent just so I could over compensate for not wanting to come across as ratchet. I began to question why it was so easy and acceptable to disrespect black interns but white teachers were respected.

With this awakening came an overwhelming anger. I felt extremely guilty for having neglected my blackness and although I was a product of a system put in place to produce “socially acceptable bourgeoisie” blacks I felt responsibility to challenge this system. I did not want to be yet another black old boy who realized this once they got to varsity and just chose not to socialize with the white people from their school because this does nothing but escalate the divide and anger within our society. I wanted to challenge this system so that the boys in the grades below me accepted their blackness while they were in school. This sounds like an innocent enough goal however little did I know that it would end friendships, make teachers dislike me and force me to only chill in my house with my close friends because everywhere else I went I was made to feel unwanted.

In a way this became a blessing in disguise because it meant that I had loyalties only to the greater cause and I could challenge this system without fear. I challenged racist girls who had uneducated views on attraction, I challenged racist boys who made uneducated comments about the quota system, I challenged teachers who made unsavory comments like “Is this an ANC rally” when they saw a group of black boys congregating outside however my toughest task was challenging homophobia and transphobia in a heavily Christian school who use the Bible to protect them from any argument brought to their attention. I’m happy to say that I wasn’t alone in this fight. A small group of black and white boys came together and we worked very hard to challenge the wrongs which were previously norms in our school. To those boys who have either graduated or are still at school I’d like to say thank you for your efforts. Although there’s a long way to go I believe that the days of black boys allowing their names to be mispronounced, their hair to be relaxed and exclusively dating white girls are over. Rick Warren once said, ” We are products of our past, but we do not have to be prisoners of it” and I believe that this quote resonates with everyone studying or working in a predominately white institution and feels pressured to conform. Change is near we just need to go get it.

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I write what I like. — Steve Biko